DOMESTIC VIOLENCE & HITTING THAT BRICK WALL
After running a group on domestic violence . there are people asking the question ..why do women stay ? why dont they just tell the man to fuck off and leave ? for years months weeks people around you have told you LEAVE HIM NOW .even offered you a place to stay .. all you hear is loved ones begin you to leave .. but for some reason you just cant
well the saying LOVE IS BLIND is true . we dont wont to belive that we are dating a monster .i mean after all he was a gentlemen when we first met … as women we are taught by society not to fail our marriages to stick it out . do everything you can to stay together including marriage counselling …..and i ask … if he has slapped you around .pulled your hair bashed you beaten you … hit you … WHY the hell would you bother trying to get help to stay together . yet we go back time and time again .. we belive there cry their man tears for some reason have more power than your own female tears it is sometimes .. fear that keeps us there . the fear that his threats of killing you he will go thru with so we stay .. we spend our days trying to please him to keep him happy and satisfied at all times so he has no excuse to explode in our faces again …. but it never seems to work … a simple spill of a drink and ..WHACK….. another slap across the face ensues and he gets into your face screaming that your a STUPID BITCH …….. you didnt even see that one coming ..you blame yourself for that out burst ..if you didnt spill the drink he would of had no reason to hit you RIGHT ……….once again you forgive him .. your child sits quietly at the table eyes looking down with head bowed at the site they just witnessed …. YOU are now continuing the abuse and teaching your child this is ok … we just go quiet and speak nothing about it later … your child sees this over and over again .. they shed there tears in bed while you sleep ….
you spend the last few BASHINGS saying to yourself ..one day im going to leave you .. im going to do it .. ofcoures never said out loud cause he will beat you harder …
you say it the next time .. you know your soul is being ripped apart you know your near the bottom even contemplating suicide is better than this life ..but you dont .. because each out burst now ..you feel a stirring from deep in your gut .. you knows what it means .. to leave him but you dont have the courage just yet … no no you can’t your not ready now ..but one day you will be …….. you look at him each day despising the predator . you hate him from your very essence now …. FUCK THE SHAME … fuck my home and its comforts … stuff the embarrassment … this is it the next time he hits you .. you feel such RAGE . its so deep you wont to kill him to hurt him .. but fuck that your not goin to go to jail for the likes of HIM .. YOU finnaly realise HE IS THE MONSTER …. when he leaves for work you rush around the house heart beating out your chest hoping he wont come home …. you pack your kids your car the bare essentials are in the car … you know you cant change your mind but its ok ..you dont even hesitate this time .. this time it feels different me leaving …this time I KNOW I WONT RETURN …. this is it ….you pluck up all the courage you have … and you run out that house of hidden horrors never to return…..
weeks later sometimes years you ask your self ..WHY THE HELL didnt i do this earlier ..why did i stay ? why did i keep going back ?
you hit your wall … you reached your boundaries …….you reached your ENOUGH IS ENOUGH …..WALL …
many friends will abandon you not because they hate you but because after years of telling you to leave they just cant face you anymore ..your burden becomes there burden to them there offering you the only logical answer but you didnt listen .. they walked away from you to save themselves at times … dont be mad or angry at friends from the past who leave you ….many times it was HIM who drove them away …….
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Victim to Survivor
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in death we mourn the loss of life …. in many cases i see family forgive the dead person form all there negatives including abuses … . i know many peeple who bitch about someone when there alive how they abused them how they hate them so much but wholla IT APEARS ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IT DIE any your forgiven ….. everyone speaks highly of an abuser at there funeral how great he was what a hero … but infact the prick was an abuser til the day he dies ….
when relationships die we mourn them too … it breaks our hearts tears us apart but we heal and move on
but domestic violent relationships seem to be simmilar to the death of an abuser ……we get the courage to leave and end it …. but as the days and weks go by we dont seem to heal but we get more sadened by the break up … we bwgin to over look the violence and see the loss of the good times … we illuminate the great love the sweetness of our lover … we begin to mourn for all the good times we shared … is this then wehn we convince ourself to go back while we are in the mourning period … our judgement is clouded and the death of the relatioships means we begin to forgive very fast …why do abused women do this …. it is for security …. or is it all part of a simple healing prosses we all go throu …. are we simply in deep mourning for WHAT COULD OF BEEN … and what should of been a perfect love but wasnt .. is it the pretence that each time we go back we belive it has to get better surley it will be better this time when i go back … but infact the relationship isnt evolving it isnt growing forwards it isnt getting better educated …… infact …. even statistics show us the more you keep going back the more darker it gets the more dangerous it gets …. the more violent it gets ….
can violent relatioships leanr to move on and get better …..NO …… THEY DONT AND NEVER WILL ..
WE MOURN FOR THE RELATIONSHIP THAT SHOULD OF BEEN …..
as i looked down to see this thing waving at me …. it took a second or 2 to sink in but she had no hand …. no five fingers … no palm … no forearm just this thing …. i was in deep despare alone in my bed tears flowed endlessly i was tired form crying exhausted numb ..
then this amazing nurse came in and sat with me …. held my baby told me she was gorgeous ….
i burst out crying again uncontrollably shaking .. she came to me and hugged me … she said these words to me …… ITS OK TO MOURN ….
i was like wtf mourn … but my child isnt dead … how can you mourn for the living ….. . she explained i am mourning for the loss of a perfect formed child as we had no idea this was going to happen … we all expected a (normal) child …..she wasnt normal ….. her little life is over …. she isnt like other children . her perfect world is gone …
when you have a child with a disablity ..you greive for there loss of normality in some way you grieve the perfectness of life ……
its the same in abuse relationships you mourn for the perfect love that it should of been and what he was ment to give you … he took that idea away from you … he crushed your perfectness and it is that you mourn afterwards .. all those feelings you have are normal …. but facts are facts …. and abuse will never go away …….
i now know that you can mourn and feel grief for living things& living ideas… & living dreams ………… when they are crushed it is a deep loss in so many ways
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SINGLE WHITE FEMALE
ok so i hit the big 4o the other day …looked around to find .no man .no hubby ..no partner in life shit not even a booty call …whats this .about …im a good looker …im always honest and tell it like it is .i dont bullshit around ..so why the hell am i single for ….i looked back at my past and did a head count of lovers ..one night stands and the 2 and only 2 real relashionships ive had in my life ….ive had 24 men in 24 years …and none have stayed around long ..but then bloody lucky they didnt either becasue they were all jerks ….i seem to have an issue with judgment..not that im being tough and judging them on what they do …but if you need to find all the loosers on the planet …come see me ….those are the only type of men that i pick up or pick me up ..there smiles get me …there charm ..there confidence or there shyness but usualy after 2 dates my mind begins to spin and i realise shit i dont like him anymore how to get rid of him ..he isnt the one for me …so why do i know how to not pick them ..lets look back to my childhood …… my parents seperated when i was 6 and dad bothered to come in and out of my life as he pleased ..i made him out to be a god because he loved…. he could fix build or make anything he;d call me but only to find his phone calls of hope led to me excitedly getting ready for his arrival ..ok clean dress .nice shoes hair brushed …ok im ready daddy …..daddy im ready …dad where are you ……..dad………………………………..oh …. then there was my mums next man for 20 years …the antisocial drunk …..happy as a pig in shit while out in public but behind closed door a 6ft 4 foot stomping mumbling rambling peice of shit …. wow what amazing male roll models i had in my life ….they taught me how to tolerate bastard men …… its no wonder i can only find asshole men ….i have no idea what all the good men look like ..act like .sound like .smell like …i smell fear and judgment and think ….yep hes the one for me ..one of them has got to be my soul mate for sure . so is it all about luck i wonder //how do those bitches find the right man .was there life full of great amazing male roll models ..is that what gave them the upper hand than me ….. so i now think ..its time for MEN yes you to step up to the plate and be better roll models not just as fathers but as men in general in your everyday life …because if you dont teach us girls what to look for …..they get stuck with all the bastards in society like me 40 and single .HA …….who would of guessed
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MY SOUL FRIEND/MATE THEORY
first im going to explain my theory on what a and who a soul is ….
a soul is the life force of all life … it is the deeper you the real you … your body’s energy source .
your soul is those little voices in your head .. those deep gut feelings we so to often ignore ..
..it has been proven that us humans only use about 20 to 30% of our total brain function … have you ever wondered what the hell all the rest is about its isnt dead brain matter .. it has the same electrical pulses the rest of our brain does … and what miracles are hidden in those unused parts of our brain .. can’t we have the abbility to all be telepathic.. could we move furniture with just our minds .what secrets do we possess .
the purpose of the soul is to seek a higher level that what is here on earth .. a heaven if you need to think of it like that …our souls only learn what we teach it .YEs i belive in reincarnation .Yes our souls have memories they bring to the next life … your dreams are not all just imaginary ideas … there the visions from our past your soul remembers .the soul is like a sponge seeking out lessons to better ourselves .the soul is born as a pure soul and eventually dies as a pure soul this can take
i belive that the birth of a New soul comes from the death of unborn babies
then what we call intellectually disabled children is incorrect .. in fact it is a new soul born pure and the soul has yet to learn about life ,about humans ..about good and bad .. happy n sad .. the soul begins as an empty vessel and it learns as we go thru our lives these children are special they are brand new souls ready to learn … they see the world so innocently ..not corrupted by life around them .this is why we nurture them more so than a child with “normal abilities ….
we simply continue to progress thou life the soul taking in what we feed it good or bad …. and we will keep coming back until the soul has become pure once again ..normally by the time someone decides to go soul searching ..its usually because they have lived many times and finally realise that the soul is your very essence in life ..look after your soul and you’ll be looking after you
from the time we are born they say ( no idea who they are ) but they say we choose who are parents are and we do it for a reason ….. sometime we never know the reason for our silly mistakes but it has happened and we need to deal with it as best we can …..life is about feeding the soul ..its in basically every religion looking after your soul …. takeing care of yourself . the after life ..so who feeds and nurtures our souls who teaches it new tricks and new ideas … well its the people around you who do ….. we often meet most people in our life as just passers by … but then there are friends …. people who we share some similar life ideas with ….we form a closeness with them a bond and a friendship begins .. we laugh .. we love … we test our friendships boundary … all at the same time our souls are being taught lessons .
because every soul has its own journey to travel .we sometimes meet a soul friend that lasts only a brief time … we feed our souls what they need then we simply part and move on to the next soul friend to learn from them ..it is society’s and its beliefs pushed on us .. that in order to part or move on from friends we need to fight or have some kind of dissconection from them ..when in actual fact all you have done is learnt what was needed and now time to move on … why do you think sometime we get bored with our friends … or we just dont feel the same way about them anymore … yet its not because you hate them or detest them you have simply grown out of each other and are taking different paths in life …. yet we seem to have to put on some kind of fan fair fight display to end the relationship we once cherished … simply because our paths are different .
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some fiends we meet can last for many years even our hole life time …. it has nothing to do with a better or stronger bond ….. you have met another soul in life who’s path is similar to yours . your going in the same life path direction
each lover we have is a soul mate ….. we learn much from each of them through our time here ,both good and bad ….
relationships end because we are simply on different paths in life ………but as time passes after the end of a lover ..we look back to see the lessons we have learnt.some are small and some are life changing .are we just us for a vessel for a living soul i often wonder sometimes ….
some humans are lucky enough to meet another soul on the same path as them at the exact same time … its pretty rare and such a blessing for those two lovers this is why we all crave to search out our soul mate …. we will all meet our soul mate when our souls are closer to being pure and in each life we do meet them but we pass them by ……. ignorance .. greed … . we need to stop searching and just let it happen …. but not let it run our lives … love and be happy with the soul mate you find now … there is a reason why you met them … we are all soul food for each other .i belive we are surounded y the same souls each life we live .. we dont have the same body but our souls live on …
do you ever get that feeling like youve met before
or that there is just something about a person you just cant put your finger on…..
chances are you have met them before in a past life …
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HAVE YOU SEEN MY CAR KEYS
omg ive dont it again …. well not me actually but my 3 year old ..any opportunity she can to get to my house keys she will and take off with them forgetting them after shes done … we got up 7.30 as usual .. getting ready for school i do my normal 1 hour of screaming at kids GET DRESSED FOR SCHOOL .. lunches are made … shoes finally found ..hair brushed bag packed .. ok right 8.30 time to go .. grab bag ,,fondle hand at bottom of bag to find keys … the first tell tales signs is the non rattling of keys sounds in my bag ..hmmmm i fondle more deeper from side to side and still no rattle shit .. we have to go where are they i look in the usual places bookshelf .. on top of tv but nope .. no keys .. ok i do a mad rusha round the house looking … there gone … disappeared .. vanished ……. flew away …… gone … tears flow from 1 child as school was a fun day today as i tell her NO SCHOOL TODAY . no keys …
last time my keys went missing for a week ..and were found in bottom of kids toy box which i know i had searched 2 to 3 times already … once my car stereo went missing for 3 weeks .. i did find it .. melted under the ovens griller … .
this time its now been 3 days since keys went missing … my mum came over to search but nothing …. the kids dad came over to search ..again nothing .. ive looked and looked and looked NOTHING …so i have to use the kids dads spare car keys .wer separated but he maintained my car so he has a spare thank god …. im not worried thou .they always turn up a week or so later but cause great stress and inconvenience .i need to get of my ass and get a few copies done i know …. i think maybe this time i have learnt my lesson .. YOU CANT HAVE TO MANY SPARES
oh you woudnt bloody guess i found my keys didnt i ….. 10 days later sitting right there in the book shelf yes the stupid one i have lokked in 20 other times before .. but nooooooo i didnt see the damn things …. im of to the key man
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DO FRIENDS HAVE AN EXPIRE DATE ……
when we look back at our lives . we all will see friends have come an gone in our lives .. right from the time we began venturing out of our homes. i have this thing now where i belive we have not just many soul mates in our life but also soul friends ….these are people who we meet thru out our whole life they come and go as we need them .. soul friends are everyone we have been friends with .. the ones we meet for just a few weeks to those we hold onto for ever. each has a purpose for us and them to .. we live we cry ,we learn life’s lessons from them and with them . . have you ever wondered why with some friends . its not the fact you have grown old of them or that you really dont like them anymore .. its simply the fact that your friendship has run its course .. you both have learn what lessons you needed from this soul friend and its simply time to say it was nice and now its time to move on … but humans being humans find it mean or nasty to walk away from friendships so a fight will have to be created to end it . the bitching .. the torment . the meanness that ensures when a friendships ends can be traumatic to some . we seem to think for some reason that once you become friends with someone thats it your stuck with them for life … this isnt a sexual relationship its just a plain old normal friendship yet we cling onto them as if our soul will die if we lose that person .we need to except the fact and not take offence when our time limit has expired and simply move on peacefully …
Neema Shaw
Hi, can I quote some of the content found in this entry if I provide a link back to your site?
ofcourse you can x